Harry Potter: Total Spoof!
by GuLaBjAmUnCuLt
Summary: This is, in theory, Harry's 6th year. But you wouldn't notice nor care once you get a taste of the spoof that rocked some crazy fans' worlds, from LotR to PotC, writers contradicting one another, utter nonsense, yet a miraculously perfect ending.
1. Chapter One

**Harry Potter: Total Spoof!**  
  
**Authors' Note: **This "story" was written in a tattered black notebook (with 'graffiti') that was passed from student to student (within the cult) in school. Writing styles…and everything else…will change every now and then. If you are sensitive to character-bashing, non-canon material, or insanity of any kind, we suggest that you discontinue to read this. Also, reading/seeing _Pirates of the Caribbean_, _The Lord of the Rings, _or _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ may help. ^.^ 

We will not be held responsible for any mental injuries caused by this fanfiction.

There are no chapter titles…it's a spoof, what do you expect??

  
**Disclaimer**: We'll say this one time, and one time only. We, a bunch of IB students, are known as the Gulab Jamun Cult. Unfortunately, we own nothing but ourselves. Do you really want us? ;)  
  
**Spoilers:** This has spoilers from Harry Potter and the OotP and The Lord of the Rings.  
  
  


CHAPTER ONE 

Lazily, Severus Snape stretched out on the cushy Chesterfield sofa in the rooms the German Minister of Magic had provided him. Sometimes, there were definite plusses to carrying messages for Dumbledore, and this was one of them: when Dumbledore was respected, his chosen emissary was respected. The tensions were increasing: with that damn bloody Potter's involvement with the Death Eaters at the end of the school year, everyone now knew about Voldemort, and the magical community was frantic. Therefore, in the rush to make allies, Severus was sent to ask for help from Germany. He had to admit, the German Ministry's choice of building was in far better taste than that of the English Ministry. He was in fact currently relaxing at the castle at Neuschwanstein. He sipped at his lemonade (no pumpkin juice here), which continued to float in midair in front of him when he let go.

He had already written to Dumbledore, informing him of the German Ministry's decision to extend a helping hand to the "cause of the Light", as it was now being called. The ironic thing was that the name had come from Severus who had accidentally referred to it as that in order to prove a point. However, Dumbledore had liked the name, and with the almighty Dumbledore referring to it as the cause of the Light", the name had stuck. Obviously, sarcasm was lost on Gryffindors.

Suddenly, a soft musical bell was heard within his room (even the DOORBELLS were better here). Annoyed at the fact that standing up had knocked over his lemonade over, which was now suspended upside down in midair, the lemonade pouring onto the Persian rug, he opened his door to reveal Lucius Malfoy, with an extremely smug look on his face. Severus hated that look. It meant Lucius had done something diabolically bad, probably to do with Death Eaters; and Severus had to go along with it and bail him out when things went wrong, and they usually did.

 "Severus..." Lucius crooned, with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Severus Snape..."

Severus fought the urge to roll his eyes. "Lucius, what the hell are you doing here?" he said irritably, the annoyance only partly for show. That is, until he looked behind the elder Malfoy. Annoyance quickly turned to fear, because behind Malfoy stood...

 "Ah, Severus Snape," said Voldemort, his cold eyes gleaming in malice.

* * * * * *

Albus Dumbledore fell into a nearby armchair, his face frozen in shock. The wrinkled piece of parchment in his hand floated to the ground, bearing news that not even he could have predicted. He closed his eyes as thought he was trying to take the meaning of it all in, yet also hoping it ever happened.

The Honeydukes candy company had been raided by a host of dementors. All cockroach clusters, Every Flavored Beans, and Chocolate Frogs would not be made. Not only that, but those precious cards bearing Dumbledore's profile would be banned.

Dumbledore sadly looked at the small pile of chocolates and treats that were left in Hogwarts' possession. Once these were gone, he would never taste the same sweetness of chocolate. No duplication spell, or potion Dumbledore knew could save him from this misery; Voldemort's company had put a strange charm on all sweets so that they repelled any sort of magic, including counter spells. They would just bounce back on to the caster.

Just as Dumbledore was about to attempt another duplication charm, he heard a soft, timid knock on his door. Hiding the stash of candy, Dumbledore swiftly went to the door and opened it.

Hermione Granger walked in (A/N: how she got there is your imagination), looking doubtful about her interruption of Dumbledore in his misery. She produced another wrinkled note from her robes that looked as though it had been read over many times already.

"Professor....er, Tonks asked me to give this to you. Lupin and Moody have already read it, and it looks like it doesn't bring any good news." Hermione gave the note to Dumbledore, thinking that now was the worst time to bring more bad news to Hogwarts' Headmaster. The raid of all Honeydukes stores was a heavy loss...to Dumbledore anyway.

 "Thank you, Miss Granger. I'll meet the others in a short while; tell them that."

As Hermione left, Dumbledore read the note:

Albus – 

_ They've got Severus Snape! I hope you get this message from this owl; dementors are here everywhere! And Giants! All from those Bavarian Alps. Oh, I have to go...they're coming...He's here...with Death Eaters too! They will know now...and --------------_

There, the writing abruptly froze, as though the writer, had fallen as he attempted to complete the note. 'The owl must have just escaped...' Dumbledore thought miserably.

And Snape! With a member of the Order of the Phoenix in the hands of Voldemort, everything would be revealed.

With a deep sigh, Dumbledore left the small room and entered one of the hallways of Grimmauld Place. Upon entering the basement kitchen, he found many of the members of the Order of the Phoenix present, and also looking quite gloomy.

Everyone looked up at him, expecting some shrewd ideas or instructions. Instead, Dumbledore just took off his glasses, wiped them, placed them upon the bridge of his nose, and looked into the gloomy faces.

"Well?" he said, ignoring the exchanged looks between the Weasley's and the other members.

The members all stared at him unbelievably. Dumbledore twiddled his thumbs, a faint twinkle resting in his eyes.

"Call Harry Potter," said Dumbledore quietly. With a faint nod, Tonks vanished in the fireplace, returning soon after with Harry.

Harry stared. This had to be the Order. What was going on?

"This meeting was adjourned," he began, "because one of our number has been captured by the Dark Lord."

Everyone was deadly silent. Dumbledore moved to the kitchen door.

 "I was hoping to use him as a last defense, but now..."

Harry looked curiously at the door. He could hear a distant pacing.

Dumbledore gave a small wink to Harry and opened the door.

The door swung open, and from it emerged a dog, looking very familiar... He was white, with blue eyes looking at them all.

And with a faint whoosh, the dog transformed.

 "Sirius...Sirius Black?" gasped Mrs. Weasley.

Sirius looked at her confused. "Sirius Black...yes...that was my name..."

Harry nodded, still awed.

 "I am Sirius the White."

And it was true. Sirius's hair was still black but his robes were white.

"I thought..." Harry said.

 "Yes you thought," Sirius nodded, "I fell through the veil and landed in Alaska. Apparently that veil is some time/place vortex thing."

Dumbledore nodded. "I landed in Hawaii once," he said proudly.

"And I was transformed because of the snow," said Sirius. "And I come to you now at the turn of the tide, with greater power."

"And he'll be our secret weapon," said Dumbledore. Harry stood appalled. Sirius was back! As the thought started to make sense, his mouth formed into a huge grin. He ran to Sirius and gave him a man to man (A/N: *cough*) hug.  
  
  


**A/N: **Please review! You were warned. We are a bunch of crazy lunatics. There are way too many crossovers...and there will be more! Do not try to give constructive criticism, or advice of any kind…we have tried ourselves to better it, but all attempts failed as some of us threw in more inside jokes.


	2. Chapter Two

**Authors' Note:** Yes…it continues! 

For the story to make a little more…sense…there will be asterisks (*) next to the places where one author finishes writing, and the other picks up the pen. Ah, the randomness of Round Robins…^.^ 

**CHAPTER TWO**

The Malfoy Manor loomed into view. Inside, Lucius Malfoy and Draco Malfoy were in their large dining room. 

"You WILL join my Lord!" roared Lucius. 

"Never!" Draco Malfoy stated proudly. * "Never will I think of NOT joining! The Dark Lord will stay in power forever!" 

"Of course!" said Lucius, satisfied. "I knew you were always a clever boy!" He smiled, then cocked his head at the door. He led the way into the dungeons of the Malfoy Manor, where they housed prisoners. Draco caught his breath—he'd never been there before, and it was unlike anything he'd imagined. Small elves—not house elves, but genuine elves—guarded the cells. They never would have listened to Lucius, but he held them imprisoned by the iron collars on their necks. Not much to look at, but they were vicious little things when provoked. It was only the perky little thing about food—they were so picky! 

As if reading his thoughts, Lucius said, "Yep, there they are, and they're pretty good as guards, too. Smarter than that idiot Fudge anyway—he would have had us use pixies! _Pixies!_" 

Draco snorted. "My left shoe is smarter than Fudge," he said in disgust. But just then Lucius opened the door of the last iron-clad cell. Draco's breath caught, for inside was… 

*Percy and Severus Snape sat back-to-back, gagged, and bound with iron and rope. Draco stared; he had never seen such a pair before. 

"Sir! I mean…you…" Draco's eyes widened. 

"Yes, boy. A bloody traitor, the coward!" Lucius Malfoy cackled evilly. "The Weasley boy will have his uses too, of course." He spat at their feet, and then pulled out his wand. 

Draco fully supported his father, but doing anything to Severus Snape would hurt his chances of getting anywhere at Hogwarts. "Father, don't you think we should…I—I mean…" he faltered under Lucius's glowering stare. 

"Draco, you will no longer be attending Hogwarts. I suggest that you leave. Supporting the Dark Lord requires more of you; your petty reputation will not interfere with the Dark Lord's plans, or my own. Is that clear?" 

Draco smiled widely. This was what he had dreamed of since Lord Voldemort's return. He would no longer have to listen to that pathetic Headmaster. And, the next time he meets famous Harry Potter… 

Draco grinned in malice. "Of course, Father." He left the dungeons, laughing as he thought of various ways to get back at Harry Potter for his last attack on the Hogwarts train. 

Lucius Malfoy rolled his eyes and turned to Severus Snape. Poor Percy Weasley was left stunned; unconsciously, he drooled on Snape's right shoulder. Snape wrinkled his nose in disgust. 

"Mmmph! Grgggmph!" growled Snape. 

Lucius Malfoy laughed. He pointed his wand straight at Snape's heart. Lucius opened his mouth and… 

*_Whoosh…_

A fluttering sound moved past Lucius, his wand still outstretched. 

"What the—" said Lucius, confused. He turned around and yelped. 

Draco was bound, with great dollops of red bruises patching his forehead. 

"Do you have the fever, little boy?" crooned Lucius. He walked to Draco. "I don't understand though…" 

"It's Fever Fudge mate!" called out a voice. 

Lucius spun around. Fred and George, along with Percy and Snape, were all pointing their wands at him. 

"Don't tell me you've never heard of our shop!" said Fred. 

"Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes," continued George. 

"Go tell the Dark Lord, Lucius," said Snape softly, "tattle on us…" 

And with another whoosh, they all apparated in front of Grimmauld Place. 

Moody, seeing them with his magical eye, swung open the door and the four visitors huddled inside. 

"Thank God," said Dumbledore, "what happened?" 

"Well, Lucius was about to kill me when Fred and George apparated in and caused a diversion." 

Fred and George both produced evil grins. 

Mrs. Weasley had run over to Percy and had given him a hug. Then she drew back and said, "Wait…" 

"I'm a part of the Order now, Mum," said Percy, "I staged that whole thing with Dad because I knew you'd never let me join…" 

Harry frowned, "But, that letter that you had sent Ron last year…" 

"…was warning you of Umbridge's announcement," finished Percy. "Do you really think I could have warned you with…words of warning? With Umbridge reading the mail…" 

Harry's conscience rose. Percy the spy, he hadn't seen that coming… 

*At that moment, Minerva McGonagall and Ron entered the room. 

"If Percy can be in the Order, can't I?" said Ron. 

McGonagall shook her head. She turned to Dumbledore. "I forgot to give this note to you…It's from Lupin." 

Everyone looked eagerly at Dumbledore as he uncovered the note and began to read it. As he read, his face showed signs of empathy, sadness, and disgust. 

"What does the note say, Albus?" 

*Dumbledore simply shook his head. "Apparently, Mr. Potter's young cousin has come to an early demise through overeating," he stated. He tried to make his voice terribly sad, but still sounded even more unconvincing. 

Fred and George burst out laughing. "Oy, mate, Harry's gonna love that! Butt-ley ate too much and exploded!" They grinned at each other and continued to laugh. 

"Fred! George!" cried Mrs. Weasley. "That is inappropriate behavior!" However, she wasn't nearly as intimidating as usual, due to the fact that her voice was trembling with badly-suppressed mirth. 

"It's okay, mum," said George, "nobody's depressed about _this_ news!" 

But Dumbledore's eyes were now grave, missing his habitual twinkle. "On the contrary, Mr. Weasley, this means Harry will no longer be able to be protected and hidden away over the summer. The secret and magical protection was keyed to young Dudley, in the expectation that he would outlive his parents. As that is not the case, the Death Eaters will easily be able to find and harm Harry. He cannot go back to the Dursley's, but he cannot stay at Hogwarts over the summer either, because there are no professors there to supervise him. We must devise a new protection, and a new magical hiding place. He, like Ron and Hermione, can't stay at Grimmauld Place indefinitely either—the Order members will leave for their respective missions." 

He paused, and everybody took the time to marvel at how he could talk for so long, seemingly without drawing a breath. 

Suddenly, there was a noise coming from the ceiling, as if someone was pounding on the roof. Bewildered, as Grimmauld Place _was_ unplottable and unfindable, everyone turned to each other with identical expressions of worry, *while Fred and George turned to each other with expressions of fear. They looked at the others and Fred quickly said, "Erm, we'll go and see to that." 

**A/N:** If you actually read both the first two chapters, Chocolate Frogs for you! *showers candy* Now, review! Tell us…did the story even remotely make any sense? If it does, please tell us, we'll be more than happy to correct that. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Authors' Note:** And we're...BACK! Ok, about the "Whoosh" thing...this is what happened: 

Fred and George managed to get there (USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS!) and stuff Draco Malfoy with a fever fudge. A fever fudge is a candy, if you eat one side, you have big red bruises on your forehead. The other side will make it all go away. 

  
**Chapter Three**

George nodded hastily, and the pair flew down the halls and up the stairs, leaving behind some incredulous looks and a rather suspicious Mrs. Weasley. Fred burst into the master bedroom, closely followed by an anxious George. 

"NOOO!" cried the twins. 

They ran forward and wrestled with a raving Buckbeak, who was flapping his great wings madly at a swarm of doxies. 

"Stop, Buckbeak, stop!" said George to no effect. The twins had both forgotten the wary way of greeting hippogriffs, and so Buckbeak did not listen to them at all. Several doxies fell to the dirty floor, clearly unconscious. 

Buckbeak continued to beat at the doxies amid to Fred and George's yells of protest. 

"It took us forever to hide these things!" 

We needed them! Oy, you stupid bird..."said Fred as he pulled out his wand. 

At that very moment, several things happened. Buckbeak, upon hearing Fred's casual insult, smacked him with this wing. Fred swore loudly, and a strange hex shot out of his wand, knocking out a few more doxies. 

As this happened, Ginny Weasley stormed into the bedroom, her eyes popping out at what she saw. 

"You idiots, you don't know anything, do you? How do you expect to get anywhere with Buckbeak without doing what Hagrid always says?" Ginny walked toward the furious hippogriff and bowed cautiously. 

Buckbeak instantly warmed up to Ginny, who was now staring at the doxies flying here and there, and those that lay on the floor. "Mum's not gonna be too happy. Better put it away before she trashes it." 

George magically gathered the doxies and threw them back into the bucket. He stared sadly at the wasted doxy-venom and the unconscious doxies. 

"We paid Dung extra for this..." 

"We'd better go down; Mum will be raving if she finds out what happened," said Fred, looking equally depressed at this loss. 

Back downstairs, the members of the Order could be heard discussing many things, but upon Ginny and the twins' arrival, they fell silent. Harry and Ron looked at each other, and turned away, choking down laughter. Mrs. Weasley advanced towards Fred and George, who could clearly sense trouble. The others simply looked away; many honestly could not blame Fred and George for their work. In fact, had it not been for those Fever Fudges, Snape and Percy could have never escaped. 

"Well, boys? Did you fix what happened up there Fred?" Mrs. Weasley said. It was clear that she did not expect an answer. 

"Gee Mum, you'd think you would know your own sons after 18 years! I'm George!" 

"Sorry George," Mrs. Weasley said, looking flustered. But that flustered look was soon replaced by a very stern look. The twins had no time to wonder how their mother instantly knew that they were at fault, because in the next second, she was yelling and raving at them, quickly joined by Sirius's (White) mother's screeches.* 

"Did I hear you say that Sirius, the bloody traitor, was back?" Sirius' mother screeched. 

"Keep your forked tongue silent! I have not passed through Alaska to battle words with a witless worm," snapped Sirius. 

"You are a bloody traitor! Get the hell out of my house with your filthy Mudbloods!"* 

Seething, Sirius cast a silencing charm on the picture, which continued thrashing on the wall. 

Sirius shook his head at the picture, fully annoyed and disgusted, but Hermione halted him. 

"Wait.... you said she supported the ....um...Voldemort....maybe she might have some information, however old? 

Sirius snorted, "Sure, maybe if you could get her to shut up long enough." He shook his head. "Unlikely." 

Hermione shrugged, but didn't forget about the idea. 

********** 

Lucius Malfoy was currently finding out he hard way that the Dark Lord did not take kindly to failure. His body racked by tremors from repeated use of the Cruciatus Curse, he continued to prostrate himself at his master's feet. 

"Never again, master...no, no...of course, my Lord, I was wrong...I will try again my Lord..." his voice was choked off by a sob as the Dark Lord used a severing charm on Malfoy's left ear, even though that particular charm was never meant for living flesh. 

The Dark Lord did not tolerate failure-he never had. First mistake: you got a warning, and pain, lots of it. Second mistake: Voldemort takes an ear. Third and final mistake: he takes the other one with everything attached. 

And Lucius Malfoy had failed the Dark Lord a second time. His task was to catch ad kill the traitor Snape, and he had one chance left. 

********** 

Speaking of Snape, the man himself was currently at Grimmauld Place, his trademark sneer in place as always. 

"You expect me to what Albus?" he asked, as if he didn't actually believe the words coming out of the Headmaster's mouth. 

"You heard me Severus," replied Dumbledore, his face straight (although a twinkle in his eye belied him). "You are to watch Harry and Hermione for the rest of the summer, as the rest of the Order members have tasks to do and yes, that includes the Weasleys -before you ask. And speaking of which, young Ronald and Virginia will be joining the party." His twinkle was now firmly in place. Oh how Snape wanted to slap it off the Headmaster's face at the moment. 

"I have to baby-sit the little brats all summer long?!" he thundered. 

********** 

He wasn't the only one who disliked the idea. Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny were all seated in the dining room minutes later, having been called in by the Headmaster. They were currently looking at him as if he had completely lost it –as if he had just said President Bush was a good leader, for example. 

"We have to deal with him ALL SUMMER?!" they cried in anguish.* 

Dumbledore looked from each person and burst out laughing. "Gandalf's Fool's Day!" he said choking with laughter. "I believe muggles call it 'April Fool's Day' where it's earlier." 

Harry sighed with relief. 

"Have you checked the time?" Dumbledore chuckled. "It's a week before September 1st, Hogwarts is supposed to start!" Dumbledore continued to laugh on. 

"It's not that funny Professor," said Hermione. 

"The look on your face!" said Dumbledore merrily, "I haven't participated in Gandalf's Fool's Day since the American president Clinton chased me half across the country for telling him about George W. Bush." 

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all laughed. 

**A/N:** PLEASE tell us if some things don't make sense! We'd love to explain it! And please REVIEW! The Cult thanks you in advance! 


	4. Chapter Four

**Authors' Note:** Yes…we might explain some things. But, of course, most are best left unexplained. ^.^ 

Remember, asterisks are used to show when one author leaves off and another picks up! 

Strange reviewer – men in white coats!! Muahahaha…two of the authors of this fic, including me, made a parody of _"Into the West"_ (Return of the King). _Why do the therapists call? Across the school…all grades are falling! White-coated men will carry you hooooome! _Hmm, I think I'll put it up on fanfiction.net! 

  
**Chapter Four**

One week later, they were all at the King's Cross Station. Harry, after witnessing Ron vanish through the wall, hurriedly moved forward, and nearly collided with Dobby. 

"You…going back to Hogwarts when the Dark Lord is at his height of power…NO!" 

Harry looked at Dobby angrily. "Dobby, WHAT did I say about _not_ trying to save my life again?!" 

Dobby twitched his easy but remained adamant. "_You shall not PASS!_" 

Harry sighed, "I won't give you socks anymore if you don't let me pass…" 

Dobby looked at him fretfully. "No sir! Anything but that…" 

"Then move aside," said Harry. 

Dobby moved aside and disappeared, and Harry scurried through the platform, eager to start his journey homeward bound. 

*Suddenly, the platform fell beneath him, leaving a gaping chasm of darkness. Harry's stomach dropped, and then, he felt as though he passed through fire…and water… 

Harry's eyes flew open and he bolted upright. It was very early in the morning; the skies were still dark. Harry though back over his dream and chuckled softly. Clearly, the return of Sirius as Sirius White had addled his mind. Harry frowned; since when would Dobby be able to say something as strong as "You shall not pass!", let alone defy Harry? Harry rolled his eyes and fell asleep once more. 

********** 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione slowly ate their breakfast. As they did this, Snape entered the kitchen looking pretty angry, and he kept muttering under his breath about something that clearly did not please him. 

"Professor?" asked Hermione quietly. Ron and Harry stared at Hermione and then rolled their eyes. 

Snape glared at the trio, who all looked confused. Hermione, however, understood. 

"Um, Professor, did Dumbledore tell yo that you have to…baby-sit…us during the rest of the summer?" clearly Hermione did not like the idea at all. 

Snape studied Hermione. "Yes he did," he replied stiffly. "And you all had better be—" 

"It's a joke, Sn—Sir," said Harry irritably. He still did not forgive Snape for the way he was treated last year. "Dumbledore told us…I mean he fooled…I mean…" Harry could not word the events without putting either Dumbledore or Snape in a bad light. 

"Actually, Harry, I apologize—I was mistaken." Dumbledore entered the kitchen with a plate, and he began to pile scrambled eggs onto his plate. 

The trio—and Snape—froze. Ron stammered, "Wh-what do you mean? You said it was…Gandalf's Fool Day, or whatever!" Snape looked disgusted at the foolishness. 

"I'm afraid someone had messed with my calendar. Gandalf's Fool's Day is in fact today. So, I suppose I have reason enough to say that my joke yesterday…was a joke in itself!" He smiled. "My children, you will be under Professor's Snape care for the rest of the summer." 

All four listeners opened their mouths in protest, but froze. Perhaps Dumbledore was joking again! The four studied Dumbledore, who's eyes twinkled, but he did look serious. 

Snape sighed. He did not—or really could not—argue. He angrily marched out of the kitchen. As soon as he left, Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst in protest *after Dumbledore left. 

"Ugh! I can't believe Dumbledore!" Harry sighed. 

"Harry," Hermione scolded him. "It can't be that bad. Hopefully." She, too, didn't like the idea. 

"Yeah, right!" muttered Ron. 

Hermione just looked at them in disappointment. 

********** 

The next morning, Draco Malfoy rolled out of bed. A knock came from the door. With a sigh, he yelled, "Come in!" 

"Er, sorry Master sir. Bust Master Lucius wants you downstairs in fifteen minutes, sir," said the house elf with a blush, as she wasn't used to seeing Master Draco in only his boxers. (*AN* Several other authors of the cult puked here…a bit difficult to read…) 

"All right. Tell him I'll be down soon. Now _get out!_" said Draco. 

"Y-y-yes s-sir," with that, the house elf scuttled out. 

As soon as the house elf left, Draco hurried to the bathroom. He knew if the wanted to get through Hogwarts, he could never make him angry. But he had heard the Dark Lord had punished Lucius. He smirked. He knew Lucius would follow the Dark Lord. But as for himself? He didn't like to be a follower like his father. He really didn't have an opinion. He simply didn't care. Sure, he hated Mudbloods…especially Granger. What does she do all day? Study? He snorted. He hardly studied and still managed to by second in his year. Realizing that fifteen minutes where almost up, Draco hurried to his father's study. 

The study was decorated beautifully. His mother really did have taste even if she was an airhead. The room was set with dark mahogany furniture and a secret bookshelf. Only the books on there were old and…illegal. Their library contained all of their other books that were actually legal. 

He slipped into the room and nodded to his father in respect. He smirked inwardly; like the had any respect for Lucius! 

"Ah, Draco. How have you been my dear boy?" said Lucius quietly and thoughtfully. 

Draco narrowed his eyes. What was Lucius up to? Besides, his ear looked like it was going to fall off any minute. "I'm fine, Father, how are you?" 

"Pretty well. Now Draco, what is your rank at Hogwarts?" said Lucius. 

Draco swallowed nervously. "Second, Father." 

"And who's first?" 

"Hermione Granger." 

"Granger…as in the Mudblood Granger?" said Lucius thoughtfully. 

"Yes, sir." 

"Ah…I see. Tell me Draco, how could a Mudblood beat a Pureblood? A Malfoy, at that?" said Lucius with his eyes glittering maliciously. 

*Draco halted, loosing his aloof arrogant smirk for a moment. Then, he quickly regained it. "I believe she cheats, Father. The Mudblood is such a total teacher's pet." He paused. Then, "Little slut," he added, just for good measure. 

Lucius smiled. "What if we got rid of the girl?" he said. "After all, we can't have a Malfoy lose to a…to a_ Mudblood!_" He said that word with such venom that even Draco was alarmed. 

To tell the truth, Draco didn't really care about his rank. Really, he secretly dreamed of becoming a fisherman, but Lucius would never go for that. Draco didn't know what to say; he didn't care at all about the Mudblood Granger, but killing her? 

Lucius had noticed Draco's alarm and silence at the surprising suggestion. He snickered, then burst out laughing. Now, Draco was positively terrified; was his Father…okay? 

"Gandalf Fool's Day!" he cried, his eyes filled with mirth, yet slightly put-out. 

Draco stared, and his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Fool's day? Father, you _hated_ that day! And," he added, as an afterthought, "I believe that was yesterday." 

Lucius' laughter slowed until he suddenly frowned. His eyes seemed distorted. Then, to the right, a door opened. Lucius turned. 

Draco gasped. "Father…you…your ear!" 

Lucius smiled, looking slightly insane now. "The Dark…Dark…Lord…_knows…_" 

A house elf shuffled inside from the open door. "Master, Sir…Draco! Your father…he not all right! The curse…" The frantic house elf wondered how to say it without getting punished. "Cru-cru-cru…tus? Sir, he lost…sanity…He-Whose-Name-Must-Be-Hyphenated did it!" 

Draco stared. After all, would this house elf be trusted? But Lucius, at that moment, began to mutter incessantly as though he was talking to the Dark Lord. 

**A/N:** Review! I'll write the songfic for _Into the West_ later. Thank you to those who can actually stand nonsense thus far! 


	5. Chapter Five

**Authors' Note:** If you have any questions that need explaining…don't ask them. This story is not meant to make sense, so if it doesn't, we've done our job. 

Remember, asterisks are used to show when one author leaves off and another picks up! 

Thomas "Sconeboy": Your chapter, if you decide to visit fanfiction.net. Sorry, but most likely, you won't be getting hold of the original notebook. It's sacred…it's tattered…too precious to take to _Clark_ now. 

**Chapter Five**

In his lair… 

"Mmmmm…scones, scones, scones…mmmm…scones, scones, scones…" 

Voldemort looked down at Wormtail in disgust. The rat was conducting some strange form of ritual, honoring the Scone God, Magbee. The Dark Lord shook his head and cleared his throat, making his disturbing servent jump. 

"M-m-master?" 

"Ah, Wormtail. What, Pray tell, are you doing?" 

"I-uh-was praying, m-master. D-do you object, m-my Lord?" 

Voldemort glared. Wormtail cowered. The Dark Lord sat down next to his frightened slave and said, rather stiffly, 

"What exactly is this Scone God, Wormtail?" 

********** 

Voldemort breathed in deeply and let our a low hum. "Mmmmm...scones, scones, scones... mmmmm...scones, scones, scones..." 

********** 

*After a painstaking two weeks, which consisted of a lecture from Snape, threats from Snape, future detentions from Snape, and Cruciatus threats from Snape, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were all set to board the Hogwarts Express. 

"Now, be good at Hogwars, dears," said Mrs. Weasley worridly, hugging each of them in turn, tears pouring down her face. 

"Mum, please, don't...cry," said Ron desperately, turning bright red at Hermione's puzzlement. 

"With the Dark Lord back and all..." said Mrs. Weasley quietly. 

"We'll be carefull," said Ginny firmly. "Bye, Mom, and Dad." 

They all boarded the train, waved goodbye, and the train started chugging out of the station. Harry watched Mr. and Mrs. Weasley's faces dissolve into a rainbow of colors as Hogwarts Express sped through the Scottish countryside. 

Harry followed Ginny into the last compartment, which was occupied by Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. They both gave Harry and Ginny grins. 

"How's it going?" asked Harry, settling down. Neville was stroking a medium-sized healthy green plant locked up in a glass case. 

"It's my _Mimbulus Mimbletonia_," said Neville proudly. "It's grown a lot during the summer. Want to see what it can do?" 

Harry stared. "Uhh, no thanks..." he said, remembering only too well the stink sap incident last year. 

Harry waited for the cart to come, desperately wanting something to eat. When a knock came, he bounded to the door and opened it to the snarling face of Draco Malfoy. 

"Hello Potty," said Malfoy, smirking. Harry was about to retort when he noticed that Crabbe and Goyle weren't with him. 

"Where are your orcs...I mean...henchment?" he said mockingly. 

Draco looked around in alarm, and Harry saw, for the first time, fear in his eyes. 

"May I come in?" he said urgently. 

Ron and Hermione both gave him suspicious flances as they strode back into the compartment from the Prefect meeting. 

"Please," Draco whispered urgently. Harry hastily moved aside. Draco yelled, "sttupid idiots!", and came into the room with Harry, slamming the door behind him. 

"What the--" started Ron. 

"Shut up Weasley!" said Draco hurriedly. "I put the fainting curse on Crabbe and Goyle, but it won't hold long..." 

"What IS it?" said Harry. 

"My...father...my father...he has gone mad..." 

Hermione snorted. 

"I don't mean THAT mad...I mean, he's gone insane. The Dark Lord...tortured him because..." 

Everyone went deadly silent. 

"He...didn't...follow his order...and now...he's at Saint Mungo's...forever." 

Harry stared at him calmly. "Weren't you aware that the Dark Lord has done that to countless people?" 

"I never...thought that it would happen to...me..!" 

Neville nodded, staring at the floor. 

"I just wanted you to know that...I'm on your side." 

Harry looked at him, surprised. 

"But please...don't tell anyone," said Draco. "I'll...go now." 

And slowly trudging our the door, he quietly shut it. 

"D'you reckon he was telling the truth?" said Ron. 

"Yeah, it was in the Daily Prophet that Lucius Malfoy had gone insane from an unknown cause," said Hermione. 

The train stopped, and the young wizards got out, still mulling over the events of June. 

*All the students hurried towards the carriages that were waiting to take them up to the castle. 

"Harry, Hermione, Ron!" 

A cyclopean figure emerged from behind a few carriages. 

"Hagrid!" shouted all three in unison. 

"You're ter hurry to the castle. Dumbledore's waitin' fer you three. He wants ter give you some special directions or information, or som'tin like that. Says it will be necessary this year." 

********** 

Outside Dumbledore's office, the three nervously paced. The same thought passed through all three minds. What was so important that Dumbledore was delaying the feast? Could it be news of Voldemort? 

"Do you think he's doing to warn us about something?" asked Harry. 

"I don't know, I just don't...Professor Dumbledore!" 

"Please come into my office," said Dumbledore calmly. 

All three enter the room, which was full or its usual odd assortment of various shining items. 

"I have called you to my office because I would like you to...take care of someone this year. That person is Draco Malfoy. He, like, Neville, now has a parent in St. Mungo's. I would like for you to befriend him because we now know who's side he is on." 

This was not, of course, the real reason behind the forging of this friendship. He wanted to find out all Draco knew about Voldemort's plans. 

*Harry said, "So you want us to be spies or something?" 

Dumbledore sighed. "In a way, but I want you to be friends..." 

Ron made a face. 

"Try the best you can." 

Hermione nodded. "If he cooperates and is willing to." 

Dumbledore looked at his clock. "There is one minute to the start of the feast. I suggest you run." 

"What about you?" said Harry, starting for the door. 

"I have ways to get there..." said Dumbledore mysteriously. 

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sprinted to the Great Hall and stopped outside the door. Professor McGonnagal had just placed the stool with the hat on the ground. Dumbledore was already in his seat, and he was motioning Harry, Ron, and Hermione to sit down. They quietly ran to their seats and stared up at the hat as it broke into song. 

_The war is here, the time has come,  
The Dark Lord's risen again,  
And now Hogwarts must stand up tall,  
And band together as friends. _

So I call you know to lay down your grudges,  
And band together with enemies and friends,  
Because if Hogwarts School is divided,  
Then this school will surely come to an end. 

So with this in mind, let the sorting begin,  
Put this ancient cap on your mind,  
I'll look inside and read it,  
And put you in the best house I can find. 

I might place you in Gryffindor,  
Where the noble-hearted and brave dwell,  
Or Hufflepuff might be your house,  
If you're loyal and work very well. 

Yet Ravenclaw might be your calling,  
If wit and brains are what you possess,  
But Slytherin could be your true house,  
If you have cunning and ambition, and nothing less. 

So try me on! don't be afraid,  
I'm just an innocent little hat,  
The house that I'll put you in,  
Will be your home, I can assure you that. 

"Now, if you would please step up to the stool and put on the Sorting Hat as I call your name," said Professor McGonnagal. "Amor, Leslie." 

"Hufflepuff!" 

"Beamont, Juan." 

"Ravenclaw!" 

"Damon, Matt." 

"Gryffindor!" 

"Englewood, Seth." 

"Ravenclaw!" 

"Fool, Ashton." 

"Gryffindor!" 

"Fool, Ashley." 

"Gryffindor!" 

"Newman, David." 

"Slytherin!" 

"Radcliffe, Daniel." 

"Slytherin!" 

"Sadist, Bessie." 

"Slytherin!" 

"Tartuffe, James" 

"Hufflepuff!" 

"Watson, Emma." 

"Ravenclaw!" 

And it went on. 

********** 

Harry looked around the room and sighed. The Gryffindor Common Room was truly home. Finny, the new Gryffindor Prefect, was still taking the new first years to the dormitories along with Colin Creevey, the other Gryffindor Prefect. 

"...and the girls dormitories are to your left and the boys dormitories are on your right." Ginny finished. She sighed and dropped into a chair. She jumped right back up with a shriek. "S-Sorry, Harry!" 

"No problem, Gin!" Harry grinned. He turned to see Ron laughing at the step of the stairs. 

********** 

Draco sighed and sat down in his favorite armchair. Although he disliked the thought of returning to Hogwarts, he could not let this chance pass up. And, so far, everything was working as planned. He laughed; those three idiots actually believed him! 

All his life he had lived submissively under his father. Now, with him talking to bedsheets and socks, Draco finally had a chance to rise above his father and become more worthy to the Dark Lord, especially after his fahter's grave mistake... 

Draco never cared much for his father. He congratulated himself on his brilliant act back on the Hogwarts train. Now, he could spy for Voldemort, and his pathetic father would no longer give orders to _him_. Draco lazily ate from his own secret stash of Honeyduke's chocolates. Life just keeps getting better... 

**A/N:** Review! Not much else to say.   
  



	6. Chapter Six

**Author's Note:  **Here's chapter 6! Hope you enjoy it! 

The ramen ninja: PotC is not in this chapter, but there will be little PotC at the end of the next chapter, which will effect the story greatly! Thanks for reviewing!

Reviewers: Please try to put us in your favorite stories/authors. That would be great! Thanks in advance!!

Remember, asterisks are used to show when one author leaves off and another picks up!

**Chapter 6**

****

"Life just keeps getting worse, doesn't it…" said Ron grumpily. 

          He, Harry, and Hermione quietly ate some breakfast, Harry glaring occasionally at the Slytherin table.

          "There is absolutely no way I'm going to be friends with that idiot son of a b---"

          "_RON!_" said Hermione sternly. Ron rolled his eyes. 

          "What, are you actually going to take all this? Hermione, remember last year? The stupid Inquisitional squad? And how he was with Hagrid! Our third year! I don't give a ----"

          "He's not telling the truth," said Harry quietly. Hermione and Ron looked at him. Ron snorted. 

          "Well of course Malfoy isn't telling the truth! I –"

          "No, no. I'm talking about Dumbledore." Hermione's eyes widened. "Not that I think Malfoy's telling the truth either."  

"Harry, what do you mean? What's he going to lie about?"

"Look, all last year—and every year before June, really --- he hasn't been telling me everything. I just…know. I mean, what would suddenly make Dumbledore think that Malfoy's on our side? And… look at him!" Harry made a face as he pointed at a laughing Malfoy.        

"He's not even nearly shocked about his dear old dad as he was yesterday on the train. What's to think it wasn't all just some show?"

"Dumbledore wouldn't fall for that!" said Hermione, realizing what Harry meant.

"No, he wouldn't. We're his spies…but he wants us to be all nice to Malfoy in case he finds out.  I mean, if he didn't tell us that Malfoy was okay, we'd' have easily revealed ourselves…we're not that great at holding back at Malfoy's insults. Except maybe you, Hermione," he added with a hint of admiration. "And it's not a big secret that Malfoy and I hate each other…"

Hermione sighed. "So, we're Dumbledore's spies on Malfoy…and Malfoy is faking remorse and shock, so that he can spy for Voldemort…"

Ron, for once, didn't wince at Voldemort's name, although he was pretty close. He swore loudly at this sudden revelation. 

*                    *                    *                    *                    *                    *                                

Ron glared at his new schedule as the trio walked down the halls towards their first class, which, unfortunately happened to be NEWT-level Potions.

"We're doubling with the Slytherins! AGAIN!"

"We'll see Malfoy, again…"

"NEWT!"

Ron and Harry stared at Hermione, who was positively skipping with excitement. 

"**NEWT!** NEWT, NEWT, NEWT, NEWT! YAY!

"Hermione…," said Ron, worrying about Hermione's sanity.

"A NEWT-level class! Oh, this will be so much fun!" Hermione gleamed.

The other two were lost for words. Instead, they choked and coughed back.

Suddenly, a little group of first years turned around a corner. One of them, Harry noticed, looked really familiar…

Ron frowned. "Hey, mate, isn't that kid the new Slytherin? Dan or whatever?"

Harry nodded. As the first year turned to face him, Harry gasped. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ron stared. "_Harry_?!" he said weakly. "He looks… exactly…like you…" Ron was at a loss of words.   

"Only without glasses…" Hermione added softly. "Harry?"

Harry was quiet for a moment, then started running the opposite direction.

"HARRY! You're going to be LATE!" Hermione cried in anguish. Ron looked torn between class and Harry.

But Harry would not listen. Sprinting to the office of Dumbledore. He groaned loudly as a gargoyle sprung out of no where. 

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" the gargoyle bellowed, fierce eyes glowering at him. 

"Uh…lemon drop?" Harry guessed meekly.

The gargoyle looked stunned, stepping aside to reveal the moving stairs. 

Harry sighed with relief and stepped onto the platform, staring up at the phoenix that towered over head. The staircase stopped finally, and Harry sprinted to Dumbledore's office. He knocked on the door and waited. For he could hear voices inside. The voices stopped suddenly, and the door swung open, revealing the face of Albus Dumbledore.

"Prof---"

"I know," said Dumbledore, moving aside.

Harry stepped inside and nearly fell over in shock. There was no one there. Who was Dumbledore talking to?

"Hello Harry Potter," said a voice. 

Harry looked wildly around.

"It's the Sorting Hat, Harry," said Dumbledore, amused.

Harry stared at the Sorting Hat, which opened its brim and spoke: "Dumbledore and I were just talking about young Daniel Radcliffe," said the Hat. "I assume that's why you're here?"

Harry nodded. "He looks exactly like me…" EXACTLY…so I though of…"

"The mirror of Erised?" Dumbledore said, massaging his temples.

Harry stared.

"It has unknown powers that are yet to be discovered…" said Dumbledore quietly. 

"It has the power to replicate someone," spoke out the Sorting Hat, "if given a picture, it will clone another person. The only catch is, you can't use it on your self, and the clone will not have the same personality of the person, it will be the opposite…"

"So Daniel Radcliffe…" said Harry slowly.

"…is your clone from the Mirror of Erised," said Dumbledore. "He's everything you're not, Harry. What I don't understand is why Lord Voldemort cloned…you."

"Whatever the reason," the Hat interrupted, "it's bound to be dangerous, so we should keep a close eye on him…"

"Think Emma Watson is a clone of Hermione Granger?" Dumbledore muttered to himself.

"Anyways, do not speak of this to ANYONE!" said the Hat.

Harry nodded.

"Well, off you go then…" said Dumbledore.

"Err…could I have a pass?" Harry said sheepishly.

*                    *                   *                    *                       *                    *       

Harry entered the Potions room, breathless. The entire class turned to look at him. "Sorry Professor-----I----"

"Why…should I…welcome you? Harry Potter? Snape stood up, his eyes blazing.  

"But Professor---"

"LATE…is the hour…by which this conjurer chooses to APPEAR---"

"Professor – I!"

"Be QUIET you!" Snape barked. "I have not gone through twenty years of teaching to BATTLE words with a worthless worm…"

"Dumbledore gave me a pass," interrupted Harry, shoving it in Snape's arms. Snape looked at it. 

"Oh---" he said.

Harry sat down next to Ron, glad he narrowly escaped a detention. 

"Now that all students are here, we will start the strongest truth potion. Can anyone tell me what that is?" Snape said, his eyes glittering maliciously. 

Hermione's hand shot up, which was not even a surprise to the class. 

"No one? Am I teaching idiots in my NEWT class?" Snape said. 

Hermione waved her hand wildly. Draco, after a moment's hesitation, raised his hand.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy. At least, everyone is not an idiot. Please do share your answer."

"The strongest truth potion is Veritaserum," Draco said smirking.

Hermione put her hand down looking downcast. Harry could see tears threatening to come out.

"It's ok 'Mione. He's just being Snape," Harry said softly, soothing Hermione with his voice. 

"POTTER! Ten points from Gryffindor!" Snape barked.

Ron looked murderous. Haw dare he! Harry put a hand on his shoulder. Run turned to him.

"Don't do ANYTHING!" Harry mouthed.

"But…b-but!"

"**NO** RON!"

"OK…ok…"

Draco looked at the Golden Trio, as they were nicknamed. He knew they didn't believe him. He decided to stop them after class. For now, he concentrated on his potion. After all, he was Snape's favorite for a reason. He was the top Potions student. Hermione came in second in this class. He was proud to say that Potions was his specialty. He could whip any potion in a second…depending on the potion of course!

**A/N:** Please review! We would appreciate it a lot! PotC fans stay tuned: You're in for one hell of a surprise. One question: Do you want cliffhangers? Of course, we'll put them in anyway! *grins evilly* 


	7. Chapter Seven

**Author's Note: **One of the writers, Aditi, had moved away last year, but today, she returned for a visit! So, in memory of the insane days of ninth grade, here's another chapter. And yes, here is where _The Pirates of the Caribbean_ pops in!

Remember, asterisks are used to show when one author leaves off and another picks up. Since we tend to drop off at odd places for another to pick up at, you'll notice changes in style. We all have very different ideas and plans for this story, so don't expect a lot of it to make sense. We contradict each other quite a bit, so it'll sound _very_ odd. Enjoy!

**Chapter 7**

After class, Draco hurried to catch up with the Golden Trio before Crabbe of Goyle could figure out where he went.

"Potter! Oi, Potter!" Draco called.

Harry turned around with Ron and Hermione in tow.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Draco started.

"Erm…" Harry didn't know what to say.

"It's okay Potter. I didn't expect you to believe me anyway. Meet me in the empty classroom next to the Charms classroom. I'll explain everything there." Draco turned on his heel and hurried down to the dungeons. He would have to think of an excuse for Pansy. Crabbe and Goyle would believe anything. Pansy, on the other hand, would pester him until she got all the details. He wished she would just leave him alone. She could get really possessive and just plain annoying.

You couldn't say she had much taste, either, for deciding to fawn over Draco, of all people. But Draco resigned himself to her. It wasn't as if anyone else would like him. Not as if cared. He just wanted to be a fisherman. Well, maybe he did care…a little.

* * *

Harry couldn't help staring at the Radcliffe kid across the room at lunch. The boy was smirking at his Slytherin "friends," and showing them some small thing he held in his hands. Harry rolled his eyes. As if the little first-year could have anything important anyway.

"Harry," said Hermione. "What did Malfoy talk to you about?"

Harry sighed. "He's trying to convince me. Obviously, he has no idea about what Dumbledore asked us to do; he thinks we're just not believing him because of…well, how much we hated him."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Is he really that desperate?"

"Yeah. Makes you laugh doesn't it…" He snorted. "Draco Malfoy, begging for famous Potter's friendship. Clearly, he's had no experience in spying."

"And neither do we," said Hermione crossly. "You realize that in order to spy for Dumbledore we need to play along with Malfoy, right? 'Befriend him.' And no, _no_ Polyjuice Potion this time!" added Hermione, shuddering.

Ron snickered, but hastily silenced at Hermione's glare. "So…Harry…what did you say?"

"He lied…again," said a cold, drawling voice.

The trio cringed as they saw Draco walking towards them. They're jobs as spies were over; he must've heard everything.

"What do you mean, I lied?" said Harry angrily.

"You lied…" and suddenly, his voice adopted a dead, creepy shadow that almost suited him…but not quite. "You lied to us…you betrayed us!"

Harry blinked. "I what?"

Draco began to rub his arm, and he said in that same exotic voice, "No, Harry is our _friend_!" He no longer seemed to notice anyone around him.

"You don't have any friends!" he said, retorting to himself. "_You're_ a liar…and a murderer!"

"I hates you…I hates you…"

"Where would you be without me? We survived because of me!" Draco rubbed and scratched frantically at his arm, then froze.

"Not anymore…"

"…what?"

"Harry will take care of us now!"

"…WHAT?"

"Leave now," the scratching began again, "and never come back!"

"Fool!"

"Leave now, an—wait…_fool_?"

"The Dark Lord burnt me upon you—I cannot and will not leave! HA!"

Draco stood looking miserable, and then, among bewildered and frightened Gryffindors, he began to cry.

"Draco…" he cooed softly, and began weeping.

"Why do you cry, Draco?"

"Harry hates us…he hates us…"

At this point, Draco suddenly seemed to notice that the whole Great Hall had gone silent, including the staff, who stared in shock, disbelief, and a good deal of pity.

Hermione shrieked. "You heard it from his own mouth—he means to murder us!"

"Miss Granger, I'm going to ask you to calm down," Professor Dumbledore said calmly. "Mister Malfoy, please come with me."

With that said, Dumbledore rose from his seat and walked across the Great Hall.

Draco turned and followed Dumbledore with a look of disgust on his face. As they reached Dumbledore's office, Draco's face began to change into a smile.

"Kit-Kats," Dumbledore said softly. The gargoyle sprung to life and sprung aside to reveal the staircase. Dumbledore stepped into the staircase and Draco followed.

Draco looked around in awe. He never knew Dumbledore lived in such a…great place. There were portraits everywhere. He presumed they were past Headmasters.

The portraits began stirring. "Is that a Malfoy?"

"Just one minute, Draco." Dumbledore walked up the stairs to his living quarters. He took some Floo Powder and threw it in the fire. He stuck his head in and yelled "Number Twelve Grimmauld Place!" As the house came into view, he saw Tonks strolling around. "Tonks! Tonks!" He called.

"Oh! Professor Dumbledore! How can I help you?" said Tonks joyously.

"I need you to get Remus for me Tonks."

"Sure, Professor."

"Call me Albus, dear."

"Um…sure…Prof—I mean Albus." Tonks walked away screaming "Remus!" throughout the house.

"I heard you Tonks!" Remus yelled, coming from Sirius' room. He had been talking to 'Sirius the White'. He had been acting strange—it almost looked like he was holding in a laugh. "Oh, hello Albus."

"Remus, I need to hurry. Young Draco Malfoy is waiting for me." Albus proceeded to tell Remus about Draco's outburst.

"That's awfully strange. Do you think this has anything to do with Voldemort?"

"I really don't know Remus. I just wanted to tell you."

"Okay, Albus, I'll think about it and I'll tell the rest of the Order too. Goodbye."

"I'll talk to you soon, Remus. Do tell Sirius hello for me."

"Will do, Albus."

Dumbledore pulled his head out and hurried downstairs. He saw young Draco wandering around. "Do have a seat Draco."

Draco jumped and turned around. He blushed and sat down in front of Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore followed him and sat at his desk.

"Is there anything you want to tell me, Draco?"

Draco looked at him thoughtfully. He couldn't possibly tell him about his father going insane! "No, sir. There isn't anything."

"Anything at all?"

"Yes, sir."

"All right, then."

"Can I go now, sir?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could tell me your opinion on our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

* * *

The Trio hurried into the Gryffindor Common Room. Hermione looked ready to burst, along with Ginny, Parvati, and Lavender. The boys couldn't imagine what was going on in their heads. As soon as the girls went in the Common Room, they started screaming.

"Ahhhhh! The new Professor is _so_ handsome!"

"I love our new Professor…"

All could be heard from every girl, from eleven to seventeen. The boys looked genuinely confused. He was way too hairy in their opinion.

"Who is the new Professor, anyway?" Seamus asked.

The Common Room went quiet. All the girls gasped.

"Didn't you listen to Dumbledore?" Hermione screeched.

"N-n-no…" Seamus looked afraid.

"He teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts! And his name is Professor Jack Sparrow!"

**A/N: **Don't say we didn't warn you. It's insane. Believe me, even two years after all this, we're still laughing about it. If you think this is confusing, just wait until the end! I promise you, though, there is a definite ending, and it's quite appropriate. There is also a second part, but unfortunately, our ninth grade year had ended, and we couldn't finish the second spoof story.

Back to the story—review! We would all love it dearly. Don't ask anything about the plot, though. It's been broken already, and so will the next one. In fact, we shall break a good many plots yet, and not ask you to answer. (Chocolate frogs and _lembas_ to whoever can guess where that quote came from!)

—The GJC


End file.
